I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
