Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
