I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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