you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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