yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
