i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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