i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
