Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize