hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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