Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
