No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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