I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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