It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
