I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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