You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
