When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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