I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
