If i could tip my vagina, i would.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
