I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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