So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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