Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize