Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Randomize