I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
