Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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