So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
