a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
