he wants to bone in the snuggie
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
