6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize