I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
