I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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