Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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