fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Someone came in the potted fern
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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