Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize