Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
