dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
