I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
