I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize