Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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