how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
