I wish I could teleport
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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