Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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