not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
