My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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