I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
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