I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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