i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Randomize
