matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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