remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
