I hate all girls vehemently.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
