Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
