I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
