I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize