I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
