Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
