sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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