that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
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