i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
