i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
Randomize
