I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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