This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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