I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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