i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
