Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My feet surprised me
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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