i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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