the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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