Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
